Lost hopes and dreams

Not only did I lose a child, but I lost all my hopes and dreams for him as well!

When the doctor lifted his stethoscope and told us that our son, who was cradled in my arms, had passed away, my world crumbled.  I was numb, found it hard to breath and my heart had shattered into a million pieces.  Yet I still had to answer questions from the police, standard procedure, but still completely awful, walk back into a room full of people that didn’t know what to say and then return home to tell my daughter that her little brother would not be coming home, EVER!

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him; long to feel his breath on my neck, smell his fresh baby scent and feel the sweetness of his little hand curl around my finger while he nursed.  Unimaginable grief, gut wrentching sobs and heart ache ensued for the weeks, months and first few years that followed, but we survived. Some days it was minute by minute, others it was hour by hour but we got through it slowly and steadily, taking one day at a time and being kind to ourselves.

The firsts were the worst, Thanksgiving rolled around and I remember not feeling or wanting to feel.  Then came the Christmas festivities and celebrations, I went through the motions for my daughter, but I wished the day would just be over.  To be honest, I wish I could have hit fast forward and bypassed all of the firsts I would miss with him.  Since we didn’t have a birthday to celebrate, I came up with a plan to release balloons in his honor.  I sent out a poem called, “Where Do Balloons Go Mommy, When You Set Them Free?” along with balloons to all those that had reached out to us during this most difficult year.  My heart was lifted to receive pictures and stories about how people celebrated his day all over the country.  It will be 11 years this July and I still love to hear how people celebrate his special day. They remember and it makes my heart smile!

What I wasn’t prepared for were all the other things that I would miss out on being his mom…..sometimes it’s a smile, a hug or a fist bump from a boy, family pictures where he is absent, watching my girls get ready to go out with their daddy for a special date, cuddling on the couch watching America Ninja Warrior or watching my favorite sports wondering which sport he would have excelled at. It took some time for me to understand WHY I could be fine one second and a mess the next.  I had hopes and dreams for my son that will never come to fruition and I had to come to terms with that. It is a process, but one I continue to work through daily while allowing myself to continue to dream.

No cute first day of kindergarten picture with his backpack bigger than him….now I watch all the kinders on the first day of school balancing their big backpacks, some clutching onto their parents with a death grip while others feeing free to explore and I think about how he would have reacted.

No mother son dances and events at school or church…..I remind my husband to buy corsages for our girls and help them pick out a pretty dress and feel beautiful. I revel in their excitement and happiness about their special time with dad.

Never attending his first little league game or cheering him on as he scores his first goal….I watch and cheer loudly for my friend’s sons and daughters, pace the sidelines of my girl’s games and proudly tout their accomplishments whenever I can.

I am preparing myself for the next phase he would be going into and I know that I will struggle at times, but I will be ok.

Straightening his tie as he goes to prom……I’ll probably go overboard with my girls, take lots of pictures and set strict guidelines.

Not getting to see his bright smile as he receives his high school and college diplomas…..it’s ok, I know he would always make me proud so I will take a moment of silence in 2022 with his graduating class and again in 2026 with fellow graduates.

A big one, not sure why it hurts as much but never getting to dance that Mother/Son dance at his wedding….. I have already begun praying that my girls will find amazing men to honor and cherish them and my hopes would be to have an incredible relationship with them as my mom does with my husband.

Rocking my grandbabies to sleep and reminiscing about him as a baby…. I hope to be able to do this with my girl’s children and somehow see a piece of him in their sweet faces.

There are so many more that I will not get to experience, nor will I ever truly understand the special mother-son bond that so many moms talk about. I do, however, have an amazing relationship with both my girls who do a tremendous job at keeping his memory alive.  I can only hope and pray that my daughters will marry someone who steals my heart and allows me a glimpse into what I have missed.

In the meantime, I will keep smiling as I watch little boys rough house, play in the mud, collect bugs,  make loud car noises, talk about poop and farts, have sword fights and love on their mommas because someday I will be reunited with my son and it will be all that I have dreamed it would be.

Jensen Carter Laszakovits

 July 20, 2004-July 29, 2004

Mommy’s little angel

Gone but NEVER forgotten

If you are struggling with the death of a child, I am here to listen and give you support and encouragement as you walk your own journey.  I have been there, lived through it myself and again as my best friend lost her little girl and mother in a terrible car accident but I came out the other side a better and stronger wife and mother. You are not alone! Remember your child would not want you to go on not living life to the fullest, they would want you to smile through your tears and cherish the memories you made together. It takes time to heal but I promise you, it does get easier!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *